It had been a long traumatic week.

I always thought I'm lucky enough to escape any terrible things.
The reality is more than just painful.
My father meant the world to me. And my world crashed.

The pain was beyond excruciating.
Watching him not replying me for the first time.
Lying in the ICU bed, with all the tubes and cables.
I held his hands, but he won't hold mine back.
His hands felt cold, but I can't warm it up.
I called out to him, he can't open his eyes.
I have so much to say to him, he didn't seem to have the time to listen.

I watched the man of my life fade away.
The big strong man couldn't even breathe on his own.
I watched the number on monitor displaying his heartbeat decreasing
60+...40+...30+...
The red Zero on test papers made me sad enough.
The red Zero displaying on the monitor felt like a bomb that crashed right through my world.
My father went away. Just like this.

This man, the man who held my hand when I was about to fall,
the man who tickled me and made me laugh like a retard,
the man who pat my back to sleep when I was small,
the man who devised all the interested gadgets at home for our convenience,
the man who had a pair of skinny legs but huge tummy and walked with a limp,
the man who says yes to every of my request,
gone and never will be back.

The sight of him, dead in the ICU
The sight of him in the mortuary slightly bloated, body wrapped in a white plastic sheet
The sight of him being carried into the void deck
The sight of him lying in the coffin
The sight of his photo in the obituary page
The sight of him in the coffin, being carried into the van
The sight of the coffin, slowly, being wheeled into the furnace
The sight of the fire in the furnace, and the coffin carrying him being pushed inside
The sight of what was left of him after cremation
The feeling of holding his bones, with my bare hands.

All these, from someone whom I had lived with, for almost 20 years of my life.
His cough and footsteps and voice filled my days and nights.

The scar and pain is etched deeply in my heart.
But I know, one day the pain will lessen.
My friends and loved ones are still by my side.
I'll be strong, I'll be OK.
Papa will be proud.
I know he will be.